next to normal part3

Last night was my second time to watch a movie ALONE. What's the big deal?? ewan ko. I feel that you should someone to be with. But I conquer my fear..hahaha..to be alone?? come on May, you want that (talking to myself) Well, I dont know what happened I just want to watch and contemplate. And also that night, I saw myself looking schools in Vienna and Bern. Why? I dont know. Maybe I am just bored and tired with these bed bugs! First, I want to study more. With my age, ok not normal. Second, other countries, with my financial status, ok not normal din. But this time I want to feel that I am alive. I am living. Actually, I am a living dead. This happens when I get comfortable with the situations. Hopefully, everything will turn to NORMAL.

next to normal (part3)

i hate this feeling..un tipong ginagawa mo ang lahat para maging comfortable ang isang tao and at the end pg ikaw humihingi ng pabor..pahirapan..lintik bibili tlga ako ng laptop ko!

next to normal (part 2)

Nasa skul...
Ang task gumawa ng mobile web application...
Ang problema, walang iphone, ipad or kahit anong smart phone
Ang feeling, deadma..
Nakita nanaman ang Desigual..
Ang feeling, gusto ng umpisahan ang business..pero pano?

THIS IT!

Matagal ko na ding hindi nasasabi to: "THIS IT!"

I came to Denmark last May 2009, after almost 2 years and 10months, ang daming nangyari at ang daming nagbago (for good) sa akin. Now, I'm nearly ending my visa sa April 14, 2012 to be exact. Although, my course will end next year January 2013 but they only gave my until April. I tried to file an extension, they don't have any decision yet and I am staying positive but I want to make sure that everything will be fine if I need to leave (typical me!). Grace exit.

First and foremost, I need to get a job! Anywhere. Philippines, Singapore or Qatar. I can't imagine myself just sit and wait for the guava fruit to fall. Suicide un para sa akin. I hate to quit again in school. Hindi ko na naman siya natapos. Ayokong sanayin ang sarili ko na magaling lang sa simula hindi kayang tapusin. Pero i don't have any choice.

I'm trying to minimize my planned schedule until April. Ayokong mabitin ang mga plans because of me. I will train people and hand over all my "work" to people. I am still doing my daily work/routine. Nothing change, it's just I am planning it carefully.

Looking for cheap ticket, if needed. I want to go home first before I'll start another chapter of this Miss.Adventure. Keeping my faith burning that everything will be fine. Letting my inner "business-minded" spirit burning.

I am afraid because I am not afraid of my situation. I am worried that I am relax and calm. This is not me. I don't know how to explain it but I am easily letting go all things. Holding on to nothing and letting go of everything.

Nothing's permanent and nothing's definite. Still, it is His final decision.

hindi ba nila alam kung gano kasakit kapag sinsabi nilang wala silang pera at kailangan nila pero hindi ko maibigay. Hindi ko din kaya. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung san ako kukuha ng pamgbayad ng tuition fee at iba pang bayarin ko. Minsan ayoko na muna silang kausapin. Minsan ayoko munang mgonline kasi everytime I log in, I feel hurt and lost! Kagaya ngayon, miss ko na silang kausapin pero ang ending, kailangan ng ganito..ng ganyan..MASAKIT!

Next to normal

Ready akong magovertime sa school at gumawa ng project. Meron din akong tutor work after so I’ll get busy today. Yes, today! 14^th of February. Ang buong sangkatauhan ay nagdiriwang ng walang kamatayang Valentine’s Day. Pero, bigla na lang silang nagcancel ng group work kasi may date daw sila (take note: all of them!). Ok fine. At ang professor namin, nagdismiss ng maaga to give way to this occasion. Okay (sarcastic) Nagcancel din ang tutor ko (sobra na..) No choice but to go home and stay. I can’t go out din because of the weather. It’s snowing! Well, actually. I don’t have bitterness or inggit factor. I was laughing when I heard all of these. I feel so different. I feel I belong to the other dimension. Ramdam ko, ramdam na ramdam ko..haha..Valentine’s..no flowers (sorry, may allergy ako) no chocolates (ang dami ko sa bahay). Well probably I am next to normal! :)

I watched the “Life In A day”, a docu by real people and real emotions shot in one day over 190+ countries. Brilliantly done!

Also I watched video “Real men surprises their date” and it was so funny and romantic. Like Jing said it’s not the song, it’s not their voices but the courage to express their LOVE! (True!)

What really made my day was listening to the online radio. Pwedeng bumati at pwedeng magrequest..hahaha..Hindi ko nagawa to sa pinas pero for the sake ng wala kming magawa ni jing at friend naman nya ang DJ, cge join lng. Okryan ng mga requested songs at mga bati. Jologs! But it was really fun!

I never intended to spend this day with someone nor I didn’t expect anything. This day is for the lovers, they say. Fine. I rest my case! It’s simple, I love to be loved and I hate to be hated!

Someone like you by Adele

Winter by Tori Amos

Emotionally sung by me. Dedicated to my family.

At my thinking chair…

Isa sa mga bisyo ko, kumanta at magmunimuni habang naliligo. Bigla kong naalala, minsan may nagtanong sa akin, “Ano bang tipo mo sa lalaki at wala ka pang boyfriend?” Hindi ko siya sinagot ng seryoso pero napaisip din ako. Natapos na akong maligo. Umupo na ako sa aking “thinking chair” un pa din iniisip ko. Habang nakikinig sa kantang “Im sexy and I know it”(jusme, tagal na!). Kaya napasulat bigla ako.

Hindi naman ako choosy, sa mga panahong ito kailangan pa bang maging choosy?? Hindi din naman ako materialistic na tao. Hindi ako high maintenance na gf. Hindi din naman ako based sa physical feature. Ayun lang may topak ako at alam ko un at tahimik. Hindi lang isang araw, minsan tatlong araw hangang isang linggo(tulad ngayon!). Siguro taong makakasundo ko at maiintindihan ako. Maiintindhan ako na hindi ko kailangan ng madaming pera para maging masaya at masabing kuntento ako sa buhay ko. Kapag nasa abroad ka akala nila tumatabo ka ng pera. Parang hindi mauubusan ang kaban ng yaman. Hindi nila alam baligtan ang buhay. Kailangan mong mabuhay ng simple sa ayaw at gusto mo. Kung sa pinas, labas ka lang sa kalsada, tawagin ang barkada. Instant, malling na. Lakad-lakad, nood nood ng sine, inom inom sa starbuck. Sosyal ka na. Dito, ayaw mong gumastos may pinaglalaanan ka manahimik ka sa bahay. (Itago mo lang ang mga kurdon at cleaning materials baka mapagtripan mong mglaro ng patay-patayan.)

“So I decided there’s nothing better…to find satisfaction in work” (Ecc 2.24), ika nga. Hindi ako kikita ng limpak limpak na salapi. Pero at the end of the day, I have smile on my face. Hindi ko alam kung selfishness tong iniisip ko. Kung may makakaintindi ba? Ano kaya iisipin ng mga tao? Hanggang ngayon, I am haunted by my past and I am taunted by my future, “law student” “Senior data analyst” “buhay-petiks sa pinas”. At dapat ganito ka, kasi sila ganito na. Mataas ang expectation. Feeling ko, iniisip nila dapat CEO nako ng isang company ngayon. May foreigner na asawa. May anak na blue eyes at may sariling plantasyon ng pera sa pinas.

Simple lang. Hindi komplikado.Tama na ung may maliit na business. Kuha-kuha ng litrato. Design-design ng kung ano ano. Makapag-gala kahit 2 beses sa isang taon. Magpasaya ng ibang tao. Kumanta sa videoke ng walang humpay. Magtrabho ng normal. Manood ng NCIS at Criminal Minds. At maging mabuting mamamayan ng Denmark.

Random thoughts: Stage of acceptance, I AM BORED. Magpatattoo kaya ako. Gusto kong gumala. Sa mainit na lugar. Two-piece, sunbathing. May kailangan gawin, pero tinatamad. “LSS: Everyday it rain, rain, eh eh eh..”

Every year, I always have this year-end special. Reminiscing the past, analysing the present and planning the future. But when 2012 came, I realized that all that of these are gone. The old Urania that full of hopes, dreams and expectation is gone. I don’t why and how these things happened. But I will try my very best to do it again.

Last year, I have the following goals:

1. Soar Higher from strength to strength

- Definitely, I soar higher with my ministry. I became the MIS head and CAN member. I found strength in what I do. I put my faith on Him.

2. Debt-free

- Actually, I did but again another sem came and I still need support.

3. Miscellaneous for School and Apartment

- If you will ask me how I survived this last year in the school. I don’t know also. I have all the software. I have all the material without buying it. I am also blessed that I have home. Real home here in Denmark. Thank you, Ate Rozvi

4. Permanent work

- This is in my list for 3 years and I will not get tired and weary to include this again! And Pray Harder!

5. Scholarship

- Also, pray harder!

6. Get my brothers

- Not now, not this year. I tasted the real life here and I realized that I am not ready yet

7. Vacation to the Philippines

- Yes! I had a blast! But still missing them.

When the old year and the new met, I am not comfortable with my situation. I am really satisfied of what I have. Am I too materialistic? Am I to expecting too much? I don’t know. I am confused and worried. Am I too paranoid? Am I too arrogant? Nobody knows!

BUT, I’m still keeping my faith! I will! I will always be!

The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them. (Psalm 24:14)

1. Pray Harder!

I lack prayer time. I am guilty with this. Prayer time and devotion time. Less computer, more books.

2. Debt-free

Again, for Beng and Ate Roslyn, I want to finish my course without any hassle.

3. Finish my study

I’ll graduate this year. I want to finish it. I want to accomplish something. FOR ONCE!

4. Get a work

I pray next year, I will not write this one again

5. Business

The business with Bryan excites me. I feel it has potential. I want to pursue it.

6. Travel

I want to go to warmer country. Beach, small town, nice view, great night life.

I thank God for the last year and I am looking forward to another bright year.